can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
