his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
