so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
