Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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