Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
