Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
