the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
