I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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