I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
