make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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