Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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