Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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