I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
