Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
