that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
