the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
