hotel room ftw
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
