Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Boobs speak an international language.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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