Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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