Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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