She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
