I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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