she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
