The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
