Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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