I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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