are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
