So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
