Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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