Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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