he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
