My liver just broke up with me...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
