so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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