I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
