Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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