Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize