If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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