My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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