I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
