I'm eating all of the evidence.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
