Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
