have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
