ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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