Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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