Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
