i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
