Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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