He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
