some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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