So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
