She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
