if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
