I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
