i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
