There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
love makes seman taste better
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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