i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
