the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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