She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
