so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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