CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
