My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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