u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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