remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
