I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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