So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
