I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
