Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
