Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
