The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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