Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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