I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
