My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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