she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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