That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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